Try losing something dear to you, something you treasure alot. That sucks? Yeah.
Now try losing that same thing without knowing why. You will be hurt, you will be confused. You will want to know why.
Then, imagine losing that, without knowing why, and also knowing you can’t know why, meaning you will definitely be left in the dark. Helpless, desperate, sad, hurt, everything, you will feel it.
Realize everything around it, appreciate it, understand them to the fullest. Think you know something or someone well enough? Think again.
Don’t go through that. The pain is unimaginable, unbearable. Helplessness is one of the greatest form of despair one can ever feel. It sucks, I hate it.
(Source: makemestfu, via spreadyour-smiles)
Yeah, it’s happening, happening to me. I’ve been spending some time reading. I’m quite amazed with myself too. I read Tuesdays with Morrie just last week, it was a real good read. I’ve no idea when I bought that book, probably back in Sec4, I only touched it 3-4 years later haha.
The book tells about how the author met up with his terminally ill professor and talks about many things in life, giving him life lessons. It’s honestly impossible to take in everything in one read, so I guess I will be reading it once more in the near future.
Next, I decided to buy Mitch Albom’s other book, For One More Day. And I will be borrowing my PC’s book, Five People You Will Meet In Heaven. I read Catching Fire and Mockingjay recently too, and I realized how I dislike those romance books. I mean it’s cool to have all the fighting too, but Mockingjay was just a no-go man. I guess I just gotta read more of those books that are void of romance. I guess Popular is gonna be my best friend soon. And whatever those book fairs out there. It’s time for me to make up for those years that I didn’t read any book.
1 month ago today, I was posted to this company, BMTC 4/4. It’s been good, having life all being slack and everything, but I just feel stressed from everyday things. I don’t meet expectations, I think and believe differently from my colleagues, it doesn’t really make things work that smoothly.
I honestly don’t believe in giving recruits hell. Sometimes, takeaways don’t need to be put across in the harshest manner. No one deserves to get hell. Just because I suffered as a recruit doesn’t mean they have to get the same thing. They have to learn the same thing, but not the same way.
I currently have the privilege of taking a Standard PTP batch. They are a unique group of guys, nothing like an Enhanced Leadership batch that I went through. As much as they give me trouble, they also give me a fair share of fun, and I do enjoy working with them. This experience I am having is something many will not get to have. These guys are from a side of Singapore I have not seen. It makes me reflect more in my life. And it gives me more pressure to guide them and help them in any way I can.
It’s great that I get to enjoy during my rest time, getting to use the computer to watch movies and everything, it’s something which the others call, “your rights that you earned through your rank”, but I still cannot get used to it. Its easy to get the rank, but earning it only begins when you receive it. It’s so funny, that I yearned for this life back then, but now I am finding it uncomfortable that I am enjoying while my recruits do not.
I’ve always been at the bottom of the chain, but now I am one place higher, I can see from above, it’s so different. Things completely change. And I cannot be myself anymore. It’s always for the sake of the recruits, so that they do not learn the wrong stuff from me. Especially since I am so childish and immature. It’s not me to be acting all stern and serious. I don’t want this to change me, army isn’t gonna change me. I wanna change myself, from life.
These two months every since receiving the rank has been topsy-tury for me. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster all the way, it’s so difficult to cope when I fee so alone, which is so ironic when I am ALWAYS surrounded by people in camp. I guess I managed to say out some stuff here, but there’s much more for me. I wonder how am I gonna continue like this for the next 13 months..
So get out, get out, get, outta my head.
And so, I finished one week with my new Company in BMT, but this time as a Sergeant, no longer a Recruit. It’s been fun in general, but boring cuz I forgot to bring alot of things, so it made it abit inconvenient. Overall, I think I could get used to this and enjoy it.
So now, I have a Standard/PTP batch. I am now given the opportunity to interact with recruits who come from different walks of life, where none of my friends have such backgrounds. This is where Army truly starts for me. Not just about handling them, but to know about them too. I don’t really know if it’s appropriate for me to go down to the personal level, but if I can, I guess I will, and see what I can know and learn from them.
Well, my colleagues are.. Sadists LOL. I can’t say much I think, but yeah, I think that sums up quite alot. Daily PT takes a huge toll on my unfit body, but I am enjoying it. I benefit from it, and I get to bond with the recruits. Wonder how it will be like when BMT starts for them.
Just that when it comes to motivating them, it isn’t like leadership batch where you can tell them to perform well to aim for SCS/OCS. It’s sad that they are 99% destined to be Man. No pun intended there. I mean, as much as the SCS/OCS shit sucks, but it’s somewhat a good motivation for genuine ones. So it’s harder for me to push them, unless I can dig deep into them for them to find their own motivation, i.e. lose weight, become fitter, get IPPT gold etc.
Life besides the Recruits is fantastic, but if I think if I mention anything here, I will get murdered. Huge ass secret right here, but it’s like.. Not a secret since everyone knows. I just need to do meaningful stuff in camp when I am free, instead of some of the meaningless stuff. But hey, meaningless usually = fun/lepak, and to do that in army, it’s a good thing. Work hard play hard eh.
Well, January 11 is the day they are looking forward to. And another day for me to experience another wave of intense stench LOL. I wonder how I will feel on that day. It’s gonna be quite a special day for me, but more so for them of course.
Now, army feels like.. A cheap method of escaping from reality happening in the outside world. Just immersing myself into the army world, I can just ignore and forget the world. It’s starting to hit me that that’s bad, but I think I’ve been pulled in quite deep that it’s hard to get out. Running away, that’s what I’ve been good at anyway, it’s just my new way of doing so.
(Source: im-just-wandering, via happyandmiserable)
And I’m not even done with what I wanted to say. Notice how all the shows and whatever are all about BMT? Like wow, THAT’S ALL TO ARMY? AND AFTER THAT OCS? LIKE PLEASE, PARENTS, WAKE UP LA DEY. That isn’t army. BMT is just the beginning. There’s nothing big about it.
BMT is where all the disciplining is, and that’s to build up the person for the upcoming months in army. Stop basing army off BMT. BMT is nothing compared to what lies ahead. You think they actually care as much in other places as compared to BMT? Please. Rubbish. After 2 years, the expected discipline levels won’t be there.
Look at the operational Units, and whatever. Guards, Commandos, NDU, they are going through shit. And you want them to be disciplined? Please, that is true national defence right there. Not discipline.
Enough with the publicising of Army, and especially the idea of all aiming for OCS. It’s just a mockery of the army. We don’t need that. The defence force that other nations supposedly respect, that isn’t respected by our own nation, makes it nothing.
Ok, I’m done with army talk. Back to life.
I guess it is quite interesting to note that the people of Singapore find NS a way to instill discipline into males, “change them from boys to men”, more than national defence. Like wow, to think I will even talk about this, but I guess I need to sit back and think about things in life, even if its about this, once in a while.
Great, so let’s just take it as two extremes. Either instill discipline or national defence. Like come on, if it’s to instill disicpline, NS has lost its purpose already. It’s time to either change it, or educate our people. But then again, all the attempts to make NS seem less challenging, to make people appreciate what the guys are going through, has caused people to forget its original purpose, and to see it as a rite of passage for guys to become men.
The instilling of discipline into guys comes as a part of NS. Face it, soldiers have to have discipline. If it’s truly to instill discipline, we don’t need those outfield shit. We train so that we can fight. (Not that I want to, or believe in this but that’s a separate issue). I’m in a position now, where I am going to train the future of Singaporean soldiers. And if my people are going to have the mindset that they are here to have discipline instilled into them, then I am in trouble. And so is the future of the country. It will be even worse if their parents just expect them to come home as a more matured and disciplined son. I’m sorry Ma’am (usually the case anyway), but your son was training so that you can live safely and happily each day, not because he wants to become more disciplined or any other nonsense you expect apart from National Defence.
Fine, I don’t like the idea of conscription (funny how the regulars in the army are actually using this term), but as much as this policy has a certain purpose, if the people don’t see it that way, then it’s time to do something about it.
Stop producing all those dramas/movies/videos, whatever. I really don’t think its helping. Let the NS experience come out of each and every individual’s mouth. Their stories will be about how their outfield was nonsense, how they were expected to dig a hole in 45mins, not about how they were made to clean their bunks in 10mins and get 20 pushups after that. Which is more significant? All those dramas show mostly about the disciplinary acts carried out in their bunks, or in non-outfield conditions. Outfield trains less discipline, it toughens one up mentally and physically. By mentally, I mean willpower, not freaking discipline. The discipline that most people expect is to, I don’t know, wash their own clothes and plates, be able to wake up early and be punctual, all kinds of things that we are actually meant to do anyways.
Ok I guess I am just angsting because I am serving and people just don’t know the shit they are saying sometimes. Like fuck man, I don’t even know if I made any sense here, but whatever. Serve, and whatever. Not fuck off, but just serve. Hate it or love it, no fucking way out.